She always shook my hand, thanked me for my time, and smiled at the end of every meeting — but deep down, I knew she didn’t respect a word I said.
At first, I mistook her politeness for something deeper. After all, she never raised her voice, never interrupted, and always kept things civil. She always asked about my family.
But over time, I realized that while she was being courteous, she wasn’t really listening. My analysis wasn’t considered. My perspective wasn’t sought. I was acknowledged but not valued.
After a period of time, she frequently rescheduled meetings or shortened our discussions.
For whatever reason, I clearly failed to earn her respect.
That experience taught me something I carried into every leadership role that followed: courtesy is how we behave on the surface — respect is how we engage beneath it.
Don’t mistake Politeness for Respect
In business and in life, it’s easy to conflate the two. Courtesy feels good. It’s smooth. It keeps meetings professional and interactions pleasant.
But respect is the real currency of trust. You can have a room full of polite people who leave a meeting unchanged, or you can have a team where ideas are challenged, considered, and ultimately strengthened by mutual regard.
Later in my career, I worked with a leader who changed the way I understood professional respect. He wasn’t always soft-spoken. He could be direct, even blunt. But he listened. He asked real questions. He remembered what I said and pushed me to think deeper. He didn’t just tolerate disagreement — he welcomed it, because he believed in the people around him.
That’s the key difference: courtesy avoids offense; respect invites contribution.
He once called me out in a room full of peers — not unkindly, but directly. “You’re thinking like a trader,” he said. “Try thinking like a strategist.”
He saw something in me. He pushed me. He listened. He didn’t always agree, but he always considered what I had to say. That was respect. And it changed how I showed up — not just in that job, but in every leadership role I held after.
As a father, I think about this distinction often. Teaching our sons to say “please” and “thank you” is important. But teaching them to value others’ voices, to listen fully, and to engage with integrity — that’s where character is built.
Respect isn’t just taught; it’s modeled.
In a world that often prizes smooth interactions and carefully chosen words, it’s worth asking: are we simply being nice, or are we truly seeing and valuing the people around us?
Courtesy opens the door.
Respect keeps you in the room.